Monday, October 19, 2009

Eating candy, cookies and drinking soymilk. Thinking about old folk wisdom and how habits are hard to break. Wondering and wandering, seeing sights through new glasses. Reading dark stories, being haunted, contemplating the future, wanting to grow up.


I have been thinking a lot about the cozy feeling I got in the warm afternoons sometimes spent in the the Oroville library. I spent hours hiding myself in the periodical shelves running my hands over Rolling Stone and Vogue and thinking about glamorous lives lived in faraway cities, lives I could hardly fathom. I swung my legs underneath the little desks reading Harriet the Spy, bathed in fluorescent light. I sat on the carpet looking at William Steig, puzzling out his word conundrums.  Long minutes were spent reading children's biographies about Princess Diana and Jim Henson. The dryness of the heat and light outside that made me sweat as I rode my bike home, it felt good. I wonder if it will feel that way again even as my adult body makes me feel awkward and sluggish. I wonder if I will still get the massive, open swelling in my heart if I walk through the town at night pausing on anonymous public benches to read Cometbus. It seems like much of what I’ve encountered lately has conspired to make me think about what wonders I’ve lost and if they can be regained in a way that makes some kind of sense. Oh, joy, how far away you seem when I think about you, and then when you come, no thought enters in-only embracing.


Over the last several weeks have done lots of reading still, and lots of thoughts have come together about the near future, how I want to be disciplined and hard working and earnest. Kind rather than right. Want inspiration to come, but fear desire will keep it at bay.


Have been looking and feeling my way through all of those top images, and they have been helping me through all of the days lately where I have woken feeling ill all over. Shaking sickness away.